I am so mad right now. My very predictable husband informed me last night that he doesn’t want to start ttc again. I’m do pissed, he waited until after we told our very excited parents we were trying, until after I told him the thought of ttc is what is helping me cope, until after we finally know we can get pregnant. I want to slap him right now. I know this is how he is coping but damnit I need to cope too and I do so by moving forward and starting again. Oh I am pissed! I hope he gets over this and soon.
trying to move forward… September 4, 2008
I would have updated everyone earlier but I have been on a roller coaster ride these last two weeks. On Aug 28 I woke up and took a HPT, it came back with a very faint positive. I can’t even tell you how I felt, I was waiting for that one little sign for almost a year and at last it was my turn. My turn to have a BFP and to have the baby I deserved. I was still unsure becuase the test was so light so I waited until later that morning and took another HPT. When that one came back with a faint positve I had no doubt in my mind I was going to become a mommy. I called Tyler and we both rejoiced in the fact that our dream was coming true. I called my OB and was told to come in after work and give a urine sample. After I gave my sample I wanted to take another test just for fun. We went and bought a clearblue digital test and were completely delighted when the words “pregnant” popped up. It was the best day of my life. The next day Tyler and I left to go to the MN state fair. It was the best trip we had ever had there, nothing could break our spirits. We waited all morning long for my dr to call back and tell us that we were indeed parents. When we finally got the call, it wasn’t what we wanted to hear. I was told my urine test came back negative. We were both completely confused, how could that be? I told my OB that I wanted a blood test and he finally agreed so Tyler and I went straight to Eau Claire( where my dr. is) and I gave a blood test. Waiting the two hours for the results was harder than I imagined but when the call came it was confirmed that I was pregnant. Tyler and I were so happy! We began to tell our close friends and plotted how we would tell our families. We were going to leave the next day to start a three day vacation in Duluth so we decided to tell our families before we left. We had bought bibs that said “I love Grandpa” and “I love Grandma” to give to our parents. I have never seen my parents so happy, they both cried and we were so full of joy. The same happened when we told Tyler’s parents and we just felt so lucky. Our vacation was wonderful. I felt so happy and full knowing that there was a baby growing in side of me. On Sept 2 I woke up and went to the bathroom. When I went to flush the toilet I noticed blood on my toilet paper. My heart dropped, I just knew what was happening. I called my OB again and they told me to go straight to the nearest hospital and get bloodwork done to see what my hormone levels were. When they called back I found out my levels were only a 3 and that I was indeed having a m/c. I have never cried so hard in my life, I had prayed and hoped for the baby for a year. I already loved that baby, how could this be happening to me. I felt empty and I didn’t know what to do. I finally calmed down enough and made the toughest call I have ever had to make. I called my dad and told him he wasn’t going to be a grandpa after all. He broke down while I was still on the phone with him and typing this just breaks my heart all over again. Tyler had to make the same tough call to his family and when we were done we just shut down. We didn’t take in any phone calls, or eat, or really live. We just sat there in shock. Four hours after I found out, I decided enough was enough and started looking at the silver lining. Now Tyler and I knew we could get pregnant and our families knew were trying. Also after doing research and talking to my OB some more we decided I had a chemical pregnancy*. That fact along helped me deal a lot more and I began realizing that because I was only four or five weeks along when I lost my baby I could in fact start ttc right away. And that brings us to today… my bleeding has stopped and I am feeling even more hopeful for the future. I know I can make a baby and I know what it feels like to be pregnant. Those two facts keep pushing me forward. I can’t wait to start ttc again and I can’t wait to get another BFP. This time I know it will be a sticky one. If you learn anything from my experience learn this A)life is so fragile enjoy every moment of it and B) When you do in fact get a BFP, please make sure that it will stick before you start spreading the news. Telling my parents about my m/c was almost worst then dealing with the m/c itself. Good luck and baby dust to all!
*A chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy miscarriage or a miscarriage before 6 weeks. It means that your pregnancy can only be confirmed through the chemicals in your body (i.e. bloodwork and urine test) and not an ultrasound. I m/c a embryo not a fetus. My baby didn’t have a heartbeat, or organs, or even a protective sac around it. It was just a fertilized egg. Although it still hurts to think about what could have been, this fact helps me push though.
